My roommate is driving me CRAZY!

Dear Blake,
My roommate is driving me CRAZY! He never does takes out the trash, and when he takes a shower he does a bad job drying off and there is ALWAYS water on the floor! Sometimes he even comes in at like TWO AM AND WAKES ME UP!!!!! Do you know what it's like walking into a bathroom with a wet floor? It makes me WANT to KILL MYSELF!

Sincerely,
I've got a DOOMmate!

Dear Doommate,

I get this all the time. Unfortunately, given the current economic climate, living within close quarters of another human being is becoming a necessity. So how do we act when sharing an apartment or flat or house or whatever living arrangements you have? The answer is simple- avoid confrontation. I don't mean do things that wouldn't bother your roommate- it's silly to ask someone to make minute changes in their life to appease another- I mean act how you normally would, but when something bothers you bury it deep, deep inside of you and DO NOT let the person in reference let know how you feel. Showing anger is a weakness, and those who are vulnerable will be destroyed. Instead, build up your inner-rage and release it in seemingly unrelated occurrences that keep your roommate on his confused (read "weak"), unaware of what really bothers you.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer".

You know who said that? Sun-Tzu did. And he killed a lot of people. While you are not going to want to murder your room mate, take this advice, because I'm sure if Sun-Tzu had a roommate, that roommate wouldn't be doing careless shit like leaving lights on. Sun-Tzu would probably cut off someone's head if they did that, he would mount the decapitated skull on a pike and and let all those who would move in know that Sun-Tzu cares about the environment, that Sun-Tzu doesn't want to see a high energy bill.

Doommate, you're now probably wondering how you can get back at that jerk you live with, while I cannot give concise examples given wide variance of house-plans, personalities, and work schedules that exist, I'll leave you with some ideas.

1. If your roommate asks you to take the garbage out because it's your turn, don't bring up how it bothers you that he or she never takes the garbage out and how you did it last week and that it smells and your hands always get greasy and you really don't like it- instead take the garbage out and throw it all over the lawn. If they have a car, throw it on their car. When he or she confronts you, you can go two routes. A, either say "Sorry man, you told me to take the garbage out so I took the garbage out- I didn't know you meant 'by the curb'. Jeeze dude, be specific next time" or B, blame animals.

2. I noticed you said he dries off poorly leaving water on the floor. This is going to be especially biting then. Next time you take a shower bring in a few buckets and set them on the floor of the shower. As you bathe let them fill up with water. Try not showering for a few days so your filth and grime collects in them. When you are done, pour them on the floor and walk out. When your roomate confronts you (because he doesn't know the Art of Roommate War), say "Oh, I thought you liked your floor soaking wet, because that's how you always leave it". In this case as well one can benefit from blaming animals.

3. Finally, the coup de grâce of roommate warfare. You said he sometimes comes in late and wake you up- well show that undeserving prick who's boss. In conversation make an off-handed remark about how you heard there were some break-ins down the street- make sure that he doesn't acknowledge it for this will be your seen of destruction. The next time he leaves to "go out with friends" (i.e. do hardcore drugs and wandering obliterated at all hours of the night) wait for him. Be sure you are hiding in the shadows, and in your hands hold some sort of baton or oblong object that can be used for hitting. You might be waiting in the corner of your living room for hours, but it will be worth it, for when he walks in at whatever hour this vagrant of the night chooses to come home, run at him with hellish force and beat him into a submissive pulp! The, to cover your tracks, call the police and tell them that your house just got broken into, and your poor roommate has been attacked.

You get to release your pent-up rage, your filthy roommate get's what he deserves, and everyone is non-the-wiser. You'll probably even be considered a hero.

So, Doommate's it, that advice should help you fix your shared-space woes.

Keep fighting the good fight,
Big Bad Blake

Feeling a Gap

Dear Blake,

I’ve stuck. I’ve in a relationship with my girlfriend for 15 months and the spark is gone. What should I do? I can’t ignore this void between us…

Sincerely, Feeling A Gap.

Dear F.A.G,

Who do you think you are? Relationships aren’t about being happy! They aren’t about “fiery passion”! That spark you felt was nothing more than a combination of a too many Appletinis and some wandering harlot’s hand on the dance floor. You and your lady need to face reality and understand that no sparks exist for long- that’s why they call them sparks. When was the last time you saw a continual spark? A continual spark is called a fire or a lasting explosion. The Sun is a continual spark and, last time I checked, there was only one Sun in the universe, and about 500 trillion other little shit stars that eventually burn out and collapse on themselves and becoming desolate black holes sucking everything into them, tearing apart what is has captured like an octopus devouring its prey.
F.A.G., you don’t need to worry about rediscovering the spark, because most likely it has been permanently extinguished by 14 months and 2 weeks of resentment and pain. Relationships don’t work because the people in them are happy, relationships work because the people in them tolerate each other. They work because the forlorn people in them know that true happiness isn’t possible. Relationships work because the victims of it become so co-dependent upon each other that the thought of living without the emotional version of Total Recall’s Kuato is too

horrifying for their feeble, broken psyche to consider. Dear F.A.G, after 15 months without an attempted suicide, STD, or finding her in bed with your boss, you should consider this woman marriage material. So flush out those silly thoughts of finding your “soul mate” and buy her a nice, moderately priced ring from craigslist. Something that she won’t brag to her friends out, but knowing that she’s only got a few good years left, won’t be stupid enough to turn down. Buy her a ring and ask her to marry you. Once you’ve found your mate you can focus on the stuff that matters- specifically, having 2 shitty kids that hate you, pinching every penny for your nest egg, and eventually retiring to a nice gated community in Tucson, AZ where every other week a bum dies from drinking the community golf courses tainted water supply (that grass isn’t going to keep the weevils away its self, right?). That’s about as good as it gets, F.A.G. So there’s my advice, ignore it at your own risk.

Sincerely,

Dear Blake- I've got a conundrum!

Dear Blake,
I've got a conundrum! I am a 16-year old male in high school and have a huge crush on this girl- the only problem is she thinks I'm actually a girl? I wear baggy clothing and have a feminine jaw line and I know you're thinking that I'm just imagining it, but the other week she called me "sister" and today she asked me some question about a period. Blake, help! How do I simultaneously tell her than I am a guy while also making her fall hopelessly in love with me? Can it even be done?

Signed,
Androgynous in Andover.


Dear Androgynous,

Let me tell you first that it is possible! With the right attitude and a little manipulative behavior, you can get a girl to think anything. I will say, however, that this is going to be a tricky one. Without knowing how deep into the rabbit hole of misappropriated identity you are, I'm going to make the assumption that, at this point, she doesn't have much reason to think that you are female other than your blatant lack of masculinity. And that is where we'll start.

Firstly (and foremostly), you need to exude manhood. It needs to pour from every orifice of your body like a cut artery or spurting garden hose. Every single action you perform must be full of testosterone. For example, when you walk, do not walk like you normally would, take great care to stomp your foot to the ground as hard as you can, to breathe heavily through your nose the way an angered bull would. The bull's foe is the matador, yours is a questionable chromosomal make-up. People should know that you are walking down the hall where ever they are in the building- take great care in making sure that even those behind closed doors are aware of your presence. Remember, it's not obnoxious if you're a man!

Stop bathing completely. Women are notorious for their hygiene- what is more manly than writhing in your own filth? I dare you to think of something that is. If you look at all the great men of history, Hannibal, Napoleon, Muhammad Ali, Conan the Barbarian, you never once hear about them, bathing. Historians slave over the minutia of their lives, surely if cleanliness was part of what made they such men, it would have been noted in the annals of time. If you stop bathing, she will begin to notice you. Not as some cleanly peer, but as a the squalid man you are!

Consider these two changes your first and second pitch- if done correctly she will swing her proverbial bat of false gender identification through the air without the lease bit of contact. I say this because a man does not waste his time with literary nonsense, if he must make a metaphor it will be sports related. Staying with the athletic motif, heed my next advice, for it will strike her out which, for you, will also be a home run.

After great care is taken with steps one and two, you need to close in. Surely by now she will of become aware that you probably aren't a girl. "But isn't it still embarrassing that she thought I was a girl before? What if she brings it up? My confidence will be shot!" you are most likely saying to your computer screen. My reply is simple: while she may think that, there is no way she says it. Think how embarrassing it is for you to be thought of as the opposite sex. Now multiply that by 100, and that's how embarrassing it is for her. Sure, if you still where a meager, weak-jawed loser who bathed and didn't scream with every footstep, it wouldn't be that bad for her to think you were one of her own, but now, in your immense masculinity, to even CONSIDER that at one time you were anything less that the man you are would be social suicide! You will be safe my friend, any memories of what you once where will be pushed deep down into her subconscious. As long as you aren't the guy she meets when she's 29, single, overweight, and perpetually denied affection, you'll be fine.

With part A and B successfully completed and the confidence of knowing that any negative aspects from your actions are years away, you should be a shoe-in for her love. Walk up to her, tell her she doesn't look as fat as usual (note that it is both a compliment AND a re-affirmation that her social ranking is below you) and then ask her what she is doing after school. She will say "nothing" to which you reply "well then let's get drunk at my grandparents, they are in Tucson for the week and they have some awesome mint schnapps that will get us F'ed up". I've used that line probably 500 times and it's never failed me. So there it is, Androgynous, a simple and straightforward plan to getting your girl. From Tokio Hotel to Nickelback, from Ziggy Stardust to Grace Jones, you've got yourself a A-1 plan to XY land.