My roommate is driving me CRAZY! He never does takes out the trash, and when he takes a shower he does a bad job drying off and there is ALWAYS water on the floor! Sometimes he even comes in at like TWO AM AND WAKES ME UP!!!!! Do you know what it's like walking into a bathroom with a wet floor? It makes me WANT to KILL MYSELF!
Sincerely,
I've got a DOOMmate!
Dear Doommate,
I get this all the time. Unfortunately, given the current economic climate, living within close quarters of another human being is becoming a necessity. So how do we act when sharing an apartment or flat or house or whatever living arrangements you have? The answer is simple- avoid confrontation. I don't mean do things that wouldn't bother your roommate- it's silly to ask someone to make minute changes in their life to appease another- I mean act how you normally would, but when something bothers you bury it deep, deep inside of you and DO NOT let the person in reference let know how you feel. Showing anger is a weakness, and those who are vulnerable will be destroyed. Instead, build up your inner-rage and release it in seemingly unrelated occurrences that keep your roommate on his confused (read "weak"), unaware of what really bothers you.
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer".
Doommate, you're now probably wondering how you can get back at that jerk you live with, while I cannot give concise examples given wide variance of house-plans, personalities, and work schedules that exist, I'll leave you with some ideas.
1. If your roommate asks you to take the garbage out because it's your turn, don't bring up how it bothers you that he or she never takes the garbage out and how you did it last week and that it smells and your hands always get greasy and you really don't like it- instead take the garbage out and throw it all over the lawn. If they have a car, throw it on their car. When he or she confronts you, you can go two routes. A, either say "Sorry man, you told me to take the garbage out so I took the garbage out- I didn't know you meant 'by the curb'. Jeeze dude, be specific next time" or B, blame animals.
2. I noticed you said he dries off poorly leaving water on the floor. This is going to be especially biting then. Next time you take a shower bring in a few buckets and set them on the floor of the shower. As you bathe let them fill up with water. Try not showering for a few days so your filth and grime collects in them. When you are done, pour them on the floor and walk out. When your roomate confronts you (because he doesn't know the Art of Roommate War), say "Oh, I thought you liked your floor soaking wet, because that's how you always leave it". In this case as well one can benefit from blaming animals.
3. Finally, the coup de grâce of roommate warfare. You said he sometimes comes in late and wake you up- well show that undeserving prick who's boss. In conversation make an off-handed remark about how you heard there were some break-ins down the street- make sure that he doesn't acknowledge it for this will be your seen of destruction. The next time he leaves to "go out with friends" (i.e. do hardcore drugs and wandering obliterated at all hours of the night) wait for him. Be sure you are hiding in the shadows, and in your hands hold some sort of baton or oblong object that can be used for hitting. You might be waiting in the corner of your living room for hours, but it will be worth it, for when he walks in at whatever hour this vagrant of the night chooses to come home, run at him with hellish force and beat him into a submissive pulp! The, to cover your tracks, call the police and tell them that your house just got broken into, and your poor roommate has been attacked.
You get to release your pent-up rage, your filthy roommate get's what he deserves, and everyone is non-the-wiser. You'll probably even be considered a hero.
So, Doommate's it, that advice should help you fix your shared-space woes.
Keep fighting the good fight,
Big Bad Blake
