Feeling a Gap

Dear Blake,

I’ve stuck. I’ve in a relationship with my girlfriend for 15 months and the spark is gone. What should I do? I can’t ignore this void between us…

Sincerely, Feeling A Gap.

Dear F.A.G,

Who do you think you are? Relationships aren’t about being happy! They aren’t about “fiery passion”! That spark you felt was nothing more than a combination of a too many Appletinis and some wandering harlot’s hand on the dance floor. You and your lady need to face reality and understand that no sparks exist for long- that’s why they call them sparks. When was the last time you saw a continual spark? A continual spark is called a fire or a lasting explosion. The Sun is a continual spark and, last time I checked, there was only one Sun in the universe, and about 500 trillion other little shit stars that eventually burn out and collapse on themselves and becoming desolate black holes sucking everything into them, tearing apart what is has captured like an octopus devouring its prey.
F.A.G., you don’t need to worry about rediscovering the spark, because most likely it has been permanently extinguished by 14 months and 2 weeks of resentment and pain. Relationships don’t work because the people in them are happy, relationships work because the people in them tolerate each other. They work because the forlorn people in them know that true happiness isn’t possible. Relationships work because the victims of it become so co-dependent upon each other that the thought of living without the emotional version of Total Recall’s Kuato is too

horrifying for their feeble, broken psyche to consider. Dear F.A.G, after 15 months without an attempted suicide, STD, or finding her in bed with your boss, you should consider this woman marriage material. So flush out those silly thoughts of finding your “soul mate” and buy her a nice, moderately priced ring from craigslist. Something that she won’t brag to her friends out, but knowing that she’s only got a few good years left, won’t be stupid enough to turn down. Buy her a ring and ask her to marry you. Once you’ve found your mate you can focus on the stuff that matters- specifically, having 2 shitty kids that hate you, pinching every penny for your nest egg, and eventually retiring to a nice gated community in Tucson, AZ where every other week a bum dies from drinking the community golf courses tainted water supply (that grass isn’t going to keep the weevils away its self, right?). That’s about as good as it gets, F.A.G. So there’s my advice, ignore it at your own risk.

Sincerely,